A lifetime of unraveling
When I look back through my almost 40 years, I feel like I have lived many lives, trying out the different possible versions of myself. And it’s all been a beautiful unfolding. An unraveling of the versions that don’t align with my truest self. Trying things on to see how they fit and then letting go of what isn’t essentially me.
And it isn’t confined to our expected times of growth. We are “expected” in our teens and early twenties to discover our selves. And once we graduate college, get the job, the house, “settle down,” then somehow, we think (because we’ve been told) that life is what it is and that’s kind of it.
I disagree…
Here I am, in my fortieth year and I am still unraveling, in the most wonderful ways. Do I know myself better now than I did at 17 or 33? Yes, of course! And I am still learning. I am learning how to be a mother and a solid partner. I am learning how to navigate my own patterns and behaviors. I am learning to be more of myself. More free.
The beauty of this learning is that it is not about what I am adding to my life. No new skills or tasks or to-do lists. But rather a release of ideas and practices that do not serve me.
Now, granted, I’ve always leaned toward an unconventional route. But I think that’s the gift of this message. That learning to listen to ourselves and to think for ourselves is the only way to true freedom.
In the current phase of my life, I am a mother. Our magical daughter was born in a hospital and with a story that I consider less than ideal. It has taken me years to heal from the trauma of our birth story, which perhaps I will have the courage to share with you at a later date. Now, I am 30 weeks pregnant with our second child. The experiences I had with my first birth have shown me not so much what I need to do differently, but what I need to let go of. With the birth of our son, I consciously choose to release the fear that society has instilled in us as women. By releasing this fear, I regain my power, my choice, and my freedom to trust my instincts. This letting go brings me closer to my truest, most divine self. And it is in this place that I feel peaceful, open and ready rather than afraid and uncertain. I let go of the noise around me and focus on the strength and wisdom that I already have within me.
I am also still unraveling the engrained belief that I need the approval and acceptance of others. Even after years of going against the grain, I still get caught up in what other people think of me and my choices. Sitting here now, just thinking about it feels suffocating. And when I slow down long enough to release my doubts or concern of what others will think, I can breathe. I feel the knots and tension in my body loosening. I recognize that I cannot control others reactions and perceptions. The only one I can control is me. And when I act and live with integrity, I can rest knowing that there is nothing more I can do. Unraveling the tightly wound thread that says I need everyone to like me is freeing. It opens me up to the many possibilities of what I can do and what I am capable of.
The final thread I will share with you today, that I am continuing to unravel, is the fear of sharing the deepest parts of myself. I have been conditioned, by society and by life’s experiences, to keep my story somewhat hidden. I love to connect with others. I love to hear your stories and to listen to what makes you tick. Yet, it is only more recently that I have untied the strings of my own inner workings and allowed myself to share the more vulnerable parts of me. And honestly, occasionally, it still hurts to do that. I meet someone who is less than careful with what I share and it makes me want to close off and retie the strings that bind me. Then I remember that I do not need or want the energy of everyone surrounding me nor influencing me. I have a choice to share with openness. I am supported by those who know me and love me. And most importantly, I know and love myself. And those that are meant to really hear me, love, me and hold me will do exactly that. The rest can find another path to walk along.
This vulnerability holds power. It holds our freedom. One day, one moment at a time we can choose to loosen and release the ideas and practices that keep us tightly bound. This is our healing. An unraveling, a letting go and a surrender to what is already within us. We must, day by day, learn to get out of our own way. To release our limiting beliefs. And over the course of a lifetime become truer. “More you. More expressed. More free.”
With love and gratitude,
Loren