Becoming ‘me’ as a mom
Last night, on the beach here in Cambutal, we had a lovely new moon gathering with some of my favorite women. It was a night of sipping tea, journaling, sharing, and holding space for one another. As I listened to the stories of my friends, I began to realize just how heavy I have felt lately. Even in my opening up and in supportive conversations, I felt defensive and frustrated. Every new moon, I sit and write and set intentions. And looking back, I have been trying to plant the same seeds for MANY moons without bearing fruit. That’s not to say I haven’t had beautiful manifestations in these past years. I have! But as I looked back through my journal, I have been searching for the same things for years.
I want to be an artist again. I want to paint or draw every day. I want to write a book. I want to feel a sense of freedom and to live uninhibited by fear or doubt. I want to feel light and open and powerful.
I see these thoughts repeated over and over again. And when I look back about five years, this is who I was. I was expressing myself through art. I was writing every day. I felt so free and expansive. I felt the power of the universe coursing through my veins. It may sound dramatic or cliché but it’s true. At 35, I felt the best I have in my entire life.
So what changed? Well, for one, shortly after my 35th birthday, the world shut down. I also met the most incredible man. We fell in love, created a new life, and have been tested in more ways than most will experience in a lifetime. It’s been a whirlwind to say the least, filled with magic and heartbreak and everything in between. Why then, when I can look back on these years with gratitude and love, do I still feel a heaviness? Here’s what I am thinking and maybe some of you can resonate:
Becoming a mom has been the most powerful transformation of my life and it changes so many things on so many levels. I have a beautiful life. I live an inspired existence. Yet, I think I’ve been fruitlessly searching for old feelings of freedom and powerful independence. I’ve been longing for my old ways of creative self expression. My life will never look or feel exactly as it did at any point in the past and I need to come to terms with that. If I keep clinging to past feelings of what power and potential felt like then, I will never be able to tap into what I am capable of now and what I have the capacity to grow into.
So who am I now? Am I still pieces of the ‘me’ that came before ‘mom’? Of course, and I also need to make space for how that may look different. For me there is a grieving at the end of this past cycle. A permission that needs to happen to lay to rest my expectations of an old way of being. I will never be 35 again. I will never not be a mom, with such a deep and inexplicable bond to another human being. I will never again have 24 hours in a day that are completely mine. And that’s hard. It is time to say goodbye. It’s time to release the versions of myself that brought me to this moment so that I may fully step into who I am today.
I will let myself cry. I will let myself process through the death of my former self. And the beauty in this is that it will create space for me to be reborn. I will see the power in the possibility of becoming who I am now. I will be curious and excited for this next chapter. By letting go of what was, I will feel lighter. Just by writing this all down, I already feel hope replacing my sadness. I will never again be exactly who I was, but she had helped make me into who I am today. Even though it looks and feels different, would I really want it any other way?
Becoming a mother, first to Ayla and now inviting a new soul into our family, is a gift and a joy I hadn’t known was possible. Will I paint again? Yes, but maybe not for an entire day and in the same way. If I cling to how it used to be, I will never be happy now. Will I write a book? Probably, but it may take me ten years, and that's also okay. Can I feel like and limitless and powerful again? Yes, because I already am. I just need to unburden myself. To set down the ideas and baggage of the past and allow myself to walk this next chapter with grace and ease.
Becoming ‘me’ as a mom isn’t easy. It will take navigating. It will take a little help and many pep talks from my friends. But I am not alone. Almost every woman experiences a similar ‘existential crisis’ after becoming a mother. Don’t let yourself get lost in the past or clouded by outdated images. You’re here now. Let it be a new beginning, a rebirth into an even wiser, stronger, and capable version of you. There are core pieces of who you are that will never go away.
My homework is to do the work to stay true to who I am and let go of exactly what I thought that should look like. I am grateful for the beauty of what is and excited for the magic of what can be.