Something you may not know about me…

I have really big emotions. When I am happy, I am really happy. When I feel like I am in my flow, I am deep in it. When I am passionate about something, I am all in. And at the same time, when I am angry, I can easily lose my temper. When I am sad, it’s hard to get the tears to slow and the darkness to stop creeping in. When something frustrates me, it’s a challenge to not let it show.

You also may not know that I am a triple fire sign, astrologically speaking. My sun is in Sagittarius. My moon is in Aries. And my rising sign is in Sagittarius. Don’t worry if that is like speaking Greek to you. Basically, if you never met me before and you saw my chart, you might have a reaction like, “Whoa! That’s a lot of fire.” You’d assume that I am passionate, creative, and bold. And you might also assume that my temper runs pretty hot. And you wouldn’t be wrong.

So, why might you not know all this about me?

It occurred to me when a friend of mine said to me that she’s never seen me lose my composure. I, of course, laughed inside knowing the truth. But then it really got me thinking. I am learning that I exude a sense of togetherness. That I keep my emotions in check, I am a clear and direct communicator, I keep my cool in stressful situations. And yes, I am bold, creative, adventurous, and passionate. I like those parts of my way of being and I share those parts of myself openly.

I also want to share with you, that I am VERY human. And even if I don’t show it outwardly often, there is a part of me that is still learning how to handle all this fire. When I was a kid, I think I learned less about how to express and manage emotions and learned more about how to suppress, hide, and keep my rage on the inside. Not to state the obvious, but that didn’t work out. It resulted in a very poor self-image, depression, major control issues, and years of toxic living.

I’ve mentioned many times before that yoga saved my life. Through its practices and teachings, I have learned to manage much of my fiery, emotional side. With meditation, I have learned to pause and respond rather than react. Asana provides a physical and mental challenge that is not only healthy inside and out, it also helps to release pent up energy and emotions. Breathwork does wonders to soothe the nervous system. And the philosophies of yoga remind us of how to be the best version of ourselves.

So, if I know all this through yoga, why am I writing this?

Well, to be honest, because I completely lost my shit today. Okay, I am hormonal and 5 weeks away from having a baby, but really that’s not an excuse. It doesn’t help ;) but it’s not an excuse.

The details of what set me off in this example don’t really matter and it’s not an isolated incident. I got frustrated with someone, after MANY times verbally asking, physically demonstrating, and writing down what I needed from them and they still didn’t do it. To the person, I remained (relatively) calm. I didn’t want to yell at her. Instead, I walked into the back room where my husband was and “vented” to him. I was boiling inside and it needed to come out. I cursed, “What the actual f*ck!?!”. I probably stomped my feet and I definitely turned red in the face while body overheated. My poor husband’s reaction is also not a part of this story. One for another day perhaps. What I want to express is that I lost it. I was not all Zen, collected and emotionally aware. I got lost in my anger and frustration. When I didn’t get the response I wanted from my husband, it triggered a lot of sadness to add to my already big emotional reaction. Which caused us to get into a deeper “discussion” which further still sent me down a rabbit hole of old patterns, conditioning, and questioning. I got rocked today. And unless you are my husband, immediate family, or someone I’ve been in relationship with (romantic or friendship) for a very long time, you probably never have seen nor will I let you see this side of me first hand.

I need you to know that it is there though. I am not exempt from a full spectrum of emotions, reactions, and deep patterns. I think the gift I have is that here I am, 5 minutes after my melt down, able to write about it. I can reflect and see where I am still triggered. I can, eventually, have a calm conversation with my husband to express all of this and ask for his support as I continue on my own personal journey of healing.

I used to stay caught in the battlefield of emotions, for days, weeks, even years at a time. Now, it’s a much shorter time between my reaction and my response. I am a work in progress. And I can only continue to heal and do the best I can. Hopefully 20 years from now I can look back and see even more self-awareness and less reactivity. For today, I own who I am. I have a lot of fire inside. And I don’t want to put it out. I want to cultivate my passion, boldness, creativity and adventurous spirit. I also will continue to find tools to manage my stress response. I like to run to a soundtrack of “angry” music. Maybe I’ll take up boxing again. I’ll make that phone call to my therapist and make time to outwardly express things that I tend to hold in. I’ll work on my communication skills with my husband. And, of course, I’ll stay committed to my yoga practices.

We are all human, walking this path the best we can with tools we have. It is up to us, not to suppress or deny who we are, portraying ourselves in some “ideal” light, rather to allow ourselves to move through it all, to become more self-aware, to do the work to heal our old wounds and patterns, and to create a healthy and abundant life.

I am going to get angry again. I am going to be sad and frustrated and feel lost from time to time. It is up to me to recognize when this is happening, to ask for help when I need it, and to not live in the emotion but to continue to feel, connect and heal through these emotions.

I am opening up about this today because (1), selfishly, it is healing for me to talk about it, (2) because I want you to know that we are ALL human, even if you don’t see something on the surface doesn’t mean it’s not here, and (3) because I hope that if this resonates with you that it will also inspire you to keep going.

Don’t get lost in the extremes. If you get depressed, anxious, angry, or afraid, you are not alone. You have the tools and resources to process through this. Give yourself a break. We are all learning here. Reach out to friends, family, to me. Unroll your yoga mat. Put on a guided meditation. Go for a run with heavy metal in your headphones. Whatever it takes to help you to not push down, but move through the big emotion. And each time things come up, it gets easier and easier. We are sad for less time and we can see the light at the other end. Our anger passes more quickly and we can say I am sorry and ask for a hug sooner. It’s not perfect. And it might never be in this life time. What matters is that we see ourselves, forgive ourselves, and keep going. Step by step, day by day, allow yourself to feel, connect, and heal.

Here’s to this moment.

A deep breath.

Time to reflect.

One baby step farther on this incredible journey called life.   

Thanks for reading.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments or feel free to send a note.

With much love and gratitude,

Your fiery friend,

Loren